My incredibly long, rambling explanation of my asexuality (OA)

And the first post I ever did on being asexual. Since this blog was originally meant to be a backup blog, there might actually be quite a bit of stuff in here that I didn't mention in my 'asexuality week' posts. It's also something of a failure, as I realised as I wrote it, but it's the best I could do. Oh, and I corrected exactly one spelling mistake without marking it. Just to torture anyone who cares.

This post is a little different to the last one, since it’s about me, rather than being evidence that I should never be given any power whatsoever over the political system. For those of you who don't know, I'm asexual. Also: Hi, I'm guessing we haven't met (and you haven't bothered to look up the Hamlet reference in the domain name).

If you don't know, 'asexual' means I have no sexual feelings towards anything - not men, women, children, animals, trees, inanimate objects or whatever else you can come up with. I can find someone beautiful, but only in the way a flower is beautiful, and cute, but only in the way a kitten is cute (and generally not to nearly the same extent as those examples). A lot of people ask me what it's like to be ace*, and I generally explain quite badly, then refer them to the AVEN wiki.

Why? Because I don't actually know what it’s like to be ace. No, not because I'm a lying toad² (I am, but in this particular instance, I happen to be telling the truth), but for the same reason someone who was born blind doesn't really know what it’s like to be blind, or to put it in a way that doesn't make it sound like I think I'm disabled in some way, in the same way neither of us really have much idea what it would be like to have been born in 16th century China. I don't really know what it is I don't feel - I can only make an educated guess from conversations with sexuals.

Which aren't helped by the fact that none of you seem to know what it is I don't feel either. I've asked a few sexuals what it feels like to be sexually attracted to someone, or what it’s like to be a sexual. I have yet to get a decent answer³ (if you have a decent idea, please feel free to tell me about it). So now I'm going to try and play the role of the flatland native, trying to explain exactly what it’s like not to be able to explain what it’s like not to be able to see the third dimension.

Actually, I'm going to do it twice in different ways. I'm pretty sure at least some other aces would understand. The first way is the one I've been hinting at all along, which is that there's a way of looking at things which I just don't see. There's a sexual element to the world which everyone seems rather preoccupied with, but which I don't even notice unless it’s pointed out - like someone who can't see colour wondering what exactly is so interesting about a lime-green dress with purple stockings and yellow trimmings. And in the same way that the person who couldn't see colour might still have a preference as to between a ball gown and a cocktail dress** (I'm getting rather a lot of mileage out of this metaphor, aren't I), I at least (although not all aces) do also have a romantic orientation***. It's not that my heart is an entirely shrived lump of coal, no matter what people may tell you⁵. It’s just that I don't associate that with anything sexual.

I can imagine loving someone (although from some conversations, my definition of 'love' is somewhat different from that of some sexuals), but I don't know why that would lead me to want to start spitting in their mouths. I don't think about people I meet in a sexual way - I don't even really think about people as male or female⁶ unless I have some specific reason to notice (like 'hey, I appear to be the only male in the room' - which happens distressingly often), or if there's some reason it actually matters (which I can't think of an example I'm willing to tell you about for, but it's happened at least once⁷).

I can't really distinguish between 'flirty' and 'friendly'⁸ (except in one instance where I figured it out afterwards from the reaction I got when I mentioned I was still in school - I have a habit of being indistinguishable from someone in his twenties)****. In short, there is a sexual dimension to human interactions which, not only do I not notice, but which I also am supremely uninterested in - and find faintly disgusting.

The other way of looking at it is one which isn't really as close to the way I think about being asexual (although other aces might look at it this way), but might be a lot easier to understand. It is this - ignore everything I've said up to now. I'm a perfectly normal sexual. Except that the kind of thing I'm attracted to not only doesn't exist (or at least I've never seen it), but is also something utterly inconceivable (or at least which I can't imagine, or have not yet imagined). Being asexual can be seen as being like being sexual in every way, except with a sex drive which isn't actually directed towards anything.

The second approach has the advantage that it distinguishes me from people with, for example hypoactive sexual desire disorder (and no, I'm not going to get any further than that into the debate on the difference between the two), or another kind of sexual dysfunction. Relatedly, it makes asexuality seem less like some kind of impairment. On the other hand, of course, it rather fails to explain the whole 'heteroromantic' thing, and tends to lead people to talk about how I just haven't found 'The One' yet (seriously - don't do that: after a while, the joke about 'I've seen the Matrix, thanks' gets old, and there is a terrible temptation to hit someone repeatedly with a rake). So in short, you could just think of me as not being asexual but 'cthulhusexual'. I don't like that way of looking at it much, but I don't like the other way very much more, and you might find this one more understandable⁹.

So there it is. Two different perspectives on being ace. Hopefully, it'll give you a better perspective than either one alone. You might think that I just wrote two things that are utterly mutually contradictory. It's very possible I did. I'm aiming blindfolded at a target I've never seen. You can't really expect perfection. But at least you've got a perspective on how an asexual thinks about being asexual. This was actually surprisingly hard to write, so my next post will probably be rather random. Like...butterflies. Or a post on Shakespeare in iambic pentameter¹⁰. I don't know.
Incidentally, if the timestamp on this is weird, it's because Google has decided I live in Sidney¹¹. It would actually be quite hard for it to be more wrong, but I’m not going to correct it because it amuses me.

*For the record, ace is short for asexual¹.
**I know I shouldn't really know the difference between those two. It's a leftover from some research I did for a story I wrote a few months back⁴.
***As a point of interest, an ace who does is sometimes referred to as an ace of hearts, and an ace who doesn't is sometimes referred to as an ace of spades.
****EDIT: It now occurs to me that I should distinguish this from the male stereotype of being unable to detect flirting unless hit repeatedly with a stick that has 'I am flirting with you' carved into it. It's the difference between speaking to someone who speaks only Cherokee, and speaking to someone from an amozonian tribe which actually communicates with hand gestures, and uses sound for effect (the same way we use hand gestures). There might not be much practical difference, but I think you'll agree that there's a qualitative one. To continue the metaphor, I have no idea whether I'm flirting with people - like if you were trying to talk to the person I mentioned earlier, and had a habit of moving your hands while you talked. It would probably be nonsense, but there's always a chance you just said 'Marry me'. I'm pretty sure I don't generally flirt*****, but if I ever did, it would probably be by accident.
*****And only partly because the fact that I'm blessed with the social skills of a retarded stick-insect means that getting far enough in a conversation that it might be a problem is pretty rare.

¹ I've actually been told that using the word 'ace' to refer to asexuals is as offensive as using the word tranny to refer to transsexual (and I feel dirty for just typing that word). That's something that's never been said to me by an actual asexual, or by an actual transexual, probably because it's the kind of 'stupid and wrong' that comes from ignorance. If you do feel like disagreeing with me, I'm not going to go into detailed argument here, but please bear in mind that a) you're wrong and b) regardless of anything else, shouldn't it really be up to the group to decide how to refer to themselves

² I don't think I'd ever use that phrase today. Then again, it's a lot more likely than ;) or OTOH
³ Still waiting on this one.

⁴ This is not to say, incidentally, that I have no interest in fashion. Or that I have no interest in women's fashion (which, frankly, tends to be more interesting). I had less when I wrote this, but even then, it was more 'I have no real interest in knowing what this piece of clothing is called, simply how it looks'. Actually, I think there's an argument to be made that knowing the names of clothing might be an active disadvantage when it comes to decent aesthetics in fashion, although I must admit that that has to be balanced against actually finding stuff.
⁵ Thinking on this further, there exists a slight possibility that it was, in fact, a total lie.
⁶ Incidentally, when I do think that kind of thing, I really do think 'male or female', not 'man or woman'.  When speaking, I'll try to be accurate on the sex/gender distinction, but I still almost always end up using 'male' or 'female'.
⁷ Actually, I'd love to know what the hell I was thinking of here, since I've totally forgotten what I was referring to. Possibly the rather annoying fact that I am consistently asked to lead in partner dances, but I can't think why I wouldn't have written that.
⁸ Now that I think of it, I'll probably do an article on that. And you can all laugh at how clueless I am (actually I pretty much presume that that's why you read this blog anyway, but this time it'll be at least semi-intentional).  

⁹ OK, I've said that I don't really think these explanations are entirely accurate before, and I'll do it again. I'm very rarely able to communicate my exact thoughts in writing, but this is worse than usual. One particular problem with this explanation is that it implies a bit more of a sex drive than I currently have. Partially that's sorta expected - I don't really know how much of a sex drive a heterosexual man would have if he'd never seen a woman - but a lot of aces have more of a sex drive than me. Also, 'ace porn' is something I should probably write about some day.
¹⁰ I never actually did either of these. Hmmm...
¹¹ For those eager for news on what is clearly the most important part of this update, they have since been disabused of this notion.