Extra long post for the end of asexual visibility week. Of course, a lot of the length is stolen, but still.
What do you do if you’ve got a friend who’s asexual? Or who you think is asexual? Or if you think you’ve found out that your ‘asexual’ friend… isn’t? This should be a topic on which I have at least some expertise.
First, let’s say you’ve found out that your friend is asexual. First of all: don’t. Seriously. There’s not really any good way to find out for definite that someone’s asexual, unless they tell you. There are ways. Hacking their Facebook might work. Going through their browsing history and finding AVEN is a pretty good indication. Finding their posts and reading them can help too. Yeah. Try not to do that. From personal experience, it’s not very nice to have happen to you. OK then, but what if you have found out – you had their phone and saw something by accident, say? I would say it’s probably better not to tell them, actually. I’ve been on the receiving end of having someone who I haven’t actually come out to start a discussion of my asexuality (this was before I’d actually come out at all). Let’s just say that there’s a reason I’m so open about it now.
What if you suspect, but don’t know? Is it OK to ask ‘are you asexual?’?* I’d think yes, at least in my case, but it’s probably going to vary from person to person. I mainly say that it’s OK because there’s a good chance that they themselves don’t know what the word means, or haven’t thought of it. Whatever happens, if they say no, you take that as the truth. It doesn’t matter if you think they’re lying. If they are, it’s their decision whether to come out to you or not, and you should respect that.
What if they have come out? Can you then ask whatever you want Well… First off, read and familiarise yourself with this list (which comes from here, and is by no means exhaustive):
We’d prefer if you avoided most of the stuff on there, in general. Personally, I’m OK with probably more than half of them, as long as I genuinely think that the person I’m talking to is actually just ignorant. Since you’ve read this, you aren’t. So don’t ask them. Aside from that, try rewording the question to be one you might ask a homosexual. Obviously, since they’re different orientations, there are things that don’t fit, but generally speaking, if it’s something that a gay person would find hideously offensive, you might want to think about whether we might find it equally so**. Other than those two tests, different aces are OK with different things. Most people are going to have boundaries. I’m OK with talking about pretty much anything to do with my sexuality, but I get really really aggravated about having to explain the basics repeatedly still, just about the only thing I won't discuss that's in some way related to my sexuality is who I have a crush on (or who I have a squish on, but that's a little less firm). Let people bring things up in their own time. If there’s something you absolutely need to know, use the internet to find out. Don’t try to take them out of their comfort zone. Other than that, it’s their choice what they want to bring up, who they want to tell, and how they want to talk about it – I’m OK with just talking about asexuality, but I much prefer to write things down, since I think I’m more articulate that way. I know it might be slightly annoying, but ‘I’m asexual’ are among two of the hardest words I’ve ever said***. Coming out is hard. It makes you feel vulnerable, and you shouldn’t push someone to make themselves feel more vulnerable.
If they do seem to be OK with questions, try not to ask anything that you couldn’t answer yourself with relation to your own sexuality, or which would seem bloody stupid if they were asked about your own sexuality. Here are a few examples of questions asexuals might get asked, flipped to apply to sexuals (this is stolen from Asexual Underground):
1) What do you think caused your sexuality?
2) When and how did you first decide you were sexual, and why did you make that choice?
3) Is it possible that your sexuality is just a phase that you will grow out of?
4) It is possible that your sexuality stems from a neurotic fear of dealing with people and not just their bodies, or from a neurotic obsession with physical bodies, or worse, an inability to see past a body?
5) Sexuals have histories of failed asexual relationships, not being able to deal with close personal non-sexual relating. Do you think you may have turned sexual out of fear of emotional intimacy?
6) If you’ve never had a really intimate relationship with someone without all the messy things that happen when you mix in sex and bodily fluids, how do you know you wouldn’t prefer that?
7) If sexuality is normal, why is there such huge spectrum of sexual attraction, drive and desire?
8) Sexuality and sexual activity can be indicative of hormonal or psychological problems, and even brain damage. Have you considered getting your hormones checked or having a psychological assessment?
9) Many people who have been sexually abused while children or teenagers act out sexually and become very sexual later in life. Were you abused as a child or teenager? Is that why you are sexual?
10) To whom have you disclosed your sexual tendencies? How did they react?
11) Your sexuality doesn’t offend me as long as you leave me alone, but why do so many sexuals try to seduce others into that orientation, or seduce them all?
12) If you should choose to nurture children, would you want them to be sexual, knowing the problems they would face, all the complicated things they would need to deal with in their relationships and lives?
13) Most child molesters, rapists and abusers are sexual. Do you consider it safe to expose your children to sexuals? Sexual teachers, particularly?
14) Why must sexuals be so blatant, making a public spectacle of your sexuality? Can’t you just be what you are and keep it quiet?
15) Sexuals always assign their relationships such narrowly restricted, categories of “friend” or “partner”. Why do you cling to such unhealthy and limiting relationship categories? Why can’t you just love?
16) How can you have a fully satisfying, deeply emotional experience with another person when you are preoccupied by sex and what your bodies are doing? How can two people actually be intimate if they are constantly seeing and treating each other as sexual objects, or trying to get sexual fulfillment?
17) Sexual relationships have total societal support, yet divorce and messy break ups continue to cause sexuals profound distress. Why are there so few stable sexual relationships?
18) Since sexuality and problems that stem from it are so painful for so many people, techniques have been developed to help sexuals change. Have you considered trying hormone or aversion therapy?
20) How do sexuals ever concentrate when they have to deal with the constant bother of sexual attraction, sex drive, and spending time and energy pursuing people for sexual relationships?
21) A disproportionate number of criminals and other irresponsible types are sexual. And there are so many types of self-destructive, abusive and oppressive behaviours that are sexual in nature. So how can sexuality possibly be normal and healthy?
22) So many sexual people are only willing to be emotionally intimate with someone if they are in a sexual relationship. Why are sexuals so emotionally frigid?
23) Maybe you only think you’re sexual because you haven’t met the right person. Do you think you’re only turning to sexuality because you are desperate and emotionally unfulfilled?
24) There are so many physical risks involved with sexuality, including STI’s and unplanned pregnancy, not to mention the emotional risks and frustration especially in long-term committed sexual relationships. Why would anyone want to be sexual?
25) Why do sexuals need to be validated by having someone else desire them sexually? Why are they so insecure?”
2) When and how did you first decide you were sexual, and why did you make that choice?
3) Is it possible that your sexuality is just a phase that you will grow out of?
4) It is possible that your sexuality stems from a neurotic fear of dealing with people and not just their bodies, or from a neurotic obsession with physical bodies, or worse, an inability to see past a body?
5) Sexuals have histories of failed asexual relationships, not being able to deal with close personal non-sexual relating. Do you think you may have turned sexual out of fear of emotional intimacy?
6) If you’ve never had a really intimate relationship with someone without all the messy things that happen when you mix in sex and bodily fluids, how do you know you wouldn’t prefer that?
7) If sexuality is normal, why is there such huge spectrum of sexual attraction, drive and desire?
8) Sexuality and sexual activity can be indicative of hormonal or psychological problems, and even brain damage. Have you considered getting your hormones checked or having a psychological assessment?
9) Many people who have been sexually abused while children or teenagers act out sexually and become very sexual later in life. Were you abused as a child or teenager? Is that why you are sexual?
10) To whom have you disclosed your sexual tendencies? How did they react?
11) Your sexuality doesn’t offend me as long as you leave me alone, but why do so many sexuals try to seduce others into that orientation, or seduce them all?
12) If you should choose to nurture children, would you want them to be sexual, knowing the problems they would face, all the complicated things they would need to deal with in their relationships and lives?
13) Most child molesters, rapists and abusers are sexual. Do you consider it safe to expose your children to sexuals? Sexual teachers, particularly?
14) Why must sexuals be so blatant, making a public spectacle of your sexuality? Can’t you just be what you are and keep it quiet?
15) Sexuals always assign their relationships such narrowly restricted, categories of “friend” or “partner”. Why do you cling to such unhealthy and limiting relationship categories? Why can’t you just love?
16) How can you have a fully satisfying, deeply emotional experience with another person when you are preoccupied by sex and what your bodies are doing? How can two people actually be intimate if they are constantly seeing and treating each other as sexual objects, or trying to get sexual fulfillment?
17) Sexual relationships have total societal support, yet divorce and messy break ups continue to cause sexuals profound distress. Why are there so few stable sexual relationships?
18) Since sexuality and problems that stem from it are so painful for so many people, techniques have been developed to help sexuals change. Have you considered trying hormone or aversion therapy?
20) How do sexuals ever concentrate when they have to deal with the constant bother of sexual attraction, sex drive, and spending time and energy pursuing people for sexual relationships?
21) A disproportionate number of criminals and other irresponsible types are sexual. And there are so many types of self-destructive, abusive and oppressive behaviours that are sexual in nature. So how can sexuality possibly be normal and healthy?
22) So many sexual people are only willing to be emotionally intimate with someone if they are in a sexual relationship. Why are sexuals so emotionally frigid?
23) Maybe you only think you’re sexual because you haven’t met the right person. Do you think you’re only turning to sexuality because you are desperate and emotionally unfulfilled?
24) There are so many physical risks involved with sexuality, including STI’s and unplanned pregnancy, not to mention the emotional risks and frustration especially in long-term committed sexual relationships. Why would anyone want to be sexual?
25) Why do sexuals need to be validated by having someone else desire them sexually? Why are they so insecure?”
You see? Most of those are either offensive, bloody stupid, really difficult to answer or some combination of the above. So asking an asexual the same kind of questions – especially since a newly out ace is likely to be less sure about their sexuality than you, and have fewer friends of the same orientation to turn to – isn’t really a good thing. Finally, be aware that if you get to ask us questions, we totally get to do the same to you. I have yet to find someone to adequately explain to me what sexual attraction actually feels like. Of course, noone would ask questions about someone else’s sexuality, and then not be willing to answer questions about their own. That would just be hypocritical J.
Finally, what if you think that one of your asexual friends has been lying to you, and isn’t really ace at all? Well, you’re probably wrong. Yes, it’s possible that they were lying to you†. It’s also possible, and more likely, that they thought that they were asexual, and have found out that actually they’re not. It does happen occasionally, since it’s rather hard to be sure you’re not attracted to anyone (and that’s why ‘demisexual’ tends to be considered so close to ‘asexual). That doesn’t mean that the orientation itself is invalid, just that people make mistakes. I thought that I was heterosexual for some time. But really, how do you tell? ‘Asexual’ was checking out an attractive woman? There are aces who view humans as a work of art, as I mentioned previously, and they can admire them aesthetically without any sexual attraction at all. If I didn’t actively try to avoid it, I’d probably be seen to be checking out women quite often, since I rather like jewellery, and would probably spend significant amounts time looking at her necklace. Which could lead to some people getting the wrong impression, I’m told. ‘Asexual’ is blatantly flirting with your boyfriend? It’s quite possible that they’re just being friendly – I’ve certainly been told that I was flirting with someone, to my complete surprise. There are quite a few asexuals for whom the word ‘flirting’ wouldn’t really cross their mind††. Aces can have relationships, and can have sex in those relationships. Some asexuals can have sex to satisfy their partners, and some even enjoy it. I can honestly say that I can think of not a single behaviour that actually definitively demonstrates them as not being ace. Even if you seem to find something incontrovertible, remember how hard I said it was to come out? There might be someone whom they haven’t told and don’t want to know.
Basically, sexuality is someone’s own business. If they tell you something, believe them, be glad that they trusted you, and don’t push them for information that they don’t want to share. They’ll probably be more willing to share if you’re supportive than if you’re constantly pushing for them to tell you things, anyway. That way, we can all live happily together.
*And I am really unsure about that punctuation.
**On the above list, only 3, 5, 7, 8, 11, 15, 16, 21, 23 and possibly 14 could pass this test, and those only because they don’t really have obvious homosexual equivalents.
***Just after ‘not guilty’, and just before ‘Cthulhu Fhtagn’****
****Seriously, you try saying that whilst suffering (possibly slightly ironically) from sleep deprivation.
†Although frankly, I can’t imagine why.
††A good test here might be to see if you’d still think they were flirting if they were the same sex and gender as the person they’re ‘flirting’ with. You’ll still probably get some false positives, but it might help cut down on them.
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