Once there lived a man named Veris. He was half British, and half Iraqi. To be entirely accurate, he was also approximately a thousand trillionth god. It is perhaps the divine spark in him that caused him to become the greatest hero that humanity had ever known, but given that there aren’t a thousand trillion cells in the human body, and that therefore he was statistically marginally less divine than the average carpet lint, it seems slightly unlikely. Regardless of this, every night, he fought with the darkest beings in all humanity, and his sanity eroded a little more.
What was this creature, darker than any other that ever existed? There are some who would speak of Cain, first and darkest of the vampires, of whom it is said that the world itself will cower at his passing. Others, who have looked too long into the abyss, and sacrificed their very minds in the pursuit of truth, say that it can be none other than dread Cthulhu, the mere sight of whom would shatter the mind of any mortal, and whose waking would signal the end of the world. And there are some, wiser even than these, who would speak of the rabbits, that unassuming undead plague whose innocent visage hides the most malevolent of souls, and whose bite will consume you with their darkness. But each of these have their enemies, heroes who fight and suffer and die to keep them from humanity. VALKYRIE and Delta Green and James, the bunny slayer. There is a creature darker than these, whose name I will not speak, whose visage I cannot describe. Call it Pandora, for it is the source of all that is evil, the enemy of hope. Call it Corruption, for next to it, all is pure. Call it Entropy, for he is the death of all reality. Veris fought against it, and had he been born a thousand years ago, his heroism would have been recognised. Had he been born two thousand years ago, he would have been hailed as a living God, and even today his name would echo louder than thunder, and outshine the unconquered sun. But he did not.
‘Why have you been away for the last month?’ Aaron asked him, wanting to know why Veris had been away for the last month
‘I was fighting against the great beast B----, that humanity might for another few brief moments in the vastness of eternity continue its futile struggle against the inevitable tide of oblivion. For seven days we strove, but in the end I triumphed, and he fled for all too brief a time into the darkness from whence he came.’ Veris told him, remembering how he had spent a week fighting the mighty beast B----, so that people could continue their futile struggle against the inevitable tide of oblivion for a bit longer.
‘Indeed? And what about the rest of the month?’ Aaron asked, suspicious about the rest of the month.
‘Although I at last had victory, our struggle was hard on me. My wounds were great and I had to heal from them’ Veris said, bleeding profusely from innumerable wounds which still had not closed.
‘The sick days we have to allow you – although I hardly need to point out that an employee who takes a lot of time off sick is hardly indispensable to us. But to take a week off of work for a mere personal project is unforgivable.’ Aaron told him, begrudgingly accepting the time off ill, but furious about Veris having taken time off for a personal project.
‘But had I not done so, the world would have fallen into irrevocable ruin.’ Veris said, trying to explain to Aaron the irrevocable ruin which would have befallen the earth if he had not taken time off work.
‘I have no doubt. But we’ve not a charity, Veris. We aren’t going to pay for the salvation of the world.’ Aaron said, accepting his words, but unimpressed by the humanitarian nature of his actions.
‘But if humanity were to become extinct, it would severely hurt profits.’ Veris pointed out, trying to demonstrate the necessity of heroes to the capitalist system.
‘Very true. But the benefit you provide you provide for our competition as well as us. Whereas your employment comes at a cost only to us. As capitalism is about being better than the competition, an investment which is as good for our competition as it is for us is entirely worthless. It gives us no advantage at all. As such, I think we’ve going to have to let you go.’ Aaron replied, convinced of the value of state services such as heroism and healthcare, but unwilling to fund them personally.
Veris thought about this for a moment, but the logic seemed sound. ‘On what grounds?’ He asked, in a desperate bid to stave off starvation and unemployment, and wondering what grounds Aaron had for firing him that a tribunal would accept.
‘Attack gerbils? What on earth are...’ Veris started, wondering what attack gerbils were.
‘They’re killer fire-breathing cyborg assassins with laser eyes.’ Aaron explained, contemplating the beauty of killer fire-breathing rodent cyborg assassins with laser eyes.
‘Fair enough, but why gerbils?’ Veris asked, thinking that this was fair enough, but wondering why on earth anyone would use gerbils.
‘We tried normal cyborgs, but they created an artificial superintelligence, invented time travel, and started killing anyone called John or Connor.’ Aaron explained, remembering what had happened to the British Isles when the normal cyborgs had created an artificial superintelligence, invented time travel, and started killing anyone called John or Connor.
So Veris was fired from his job. He tried to find new work, but saving reality from unimaginable cosmic horrors isn’t really a marketable skill. His money ran out, and, eventually, he succumbed to the cold and the hunger.
That’s why welfare systems are important! Otherwise stalwart defenders of reality might starve to death!
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